As anyone who has been through adolescence knows well, it isn’t the easiest time in life – for teenagers, or for their parents. It’s a time of significant change and transition for everyone. As teenagers go through these changes and begin moving toward independence and determining their own identity separate from their parents, it is not unusual for behavior to change – sometimes in unanticipated and confusing ways. This is true even in the most ideal circumstances – even when life is otherwise calm and relatively normal.
Understandably, then, when life becomes stressful, as is often the case when a family finds itself in the midst of a divorce, it can be difficult to know whether your teen’s behavior is a normal part of adolescence, or if it is a reaction to the divorce itself. The behavior may be part of growing up, it may be because of the divorce, or it may be a little bit of both. Moreover, every teenager is different – some teens seem to make it through the divorce with fairly minimal emotional stress, while others struggle significantly more.
Regardless of where your teen falls on this spectrum, the good news is that there are steps you can take to help your teen through this time. While you won’t be able to eliminate the pain of the divorce entirely, you can help to make it manageable, and that’s important and necessary for your teen, and for your entire family. Some of the ways you can do this include:
- Create a shared parenting schedule if possible: For children of all ages, spending as much time as possible with each parent is vitally important, if at all possible. While divorce is necessarily a time of transition, and while your living situation may change from two homes to one, you should do all that you can to ensure that your teen gets to spend substantial quality time with both of you. Many studies have shown that children of divorce who spend quality time with both parents are more likely to better adjust to the divorce and all of the change that come along with it. Making the effort to work out a parenting schedule that allows for this shared time is well worth it.
- Make every effort to stick to your normal routine: Familiarity is comforting at all stages of life – and this particularly true for teenagers, when so much in their lives, and within themselves, is changing rapidly. School, friend groups, extracurricular activities, after-school jobs – all of these things are very important to a teen’s comfort level, confidence, and sense of self. Without question, divorce is a time of significant transition, and so much in life changes. To the extent possible, it is worth making every effort to ensure that your teen can continue to have a routine that is as normal as possible. If you are able, avoid having to change schools or discontinue activities. This will not only show your teen that his or her interests are important and valued – it will also provide a source of comfort and stability during an otherwise unsettling time.
- Be willing and available to listen: At all stages of life, any kind of emotion we are feeling is often far more manageable if we are able to share it. The importance of being able to talk through our feelings with someone we love and trust cannot be overstated. While teens are often well known for not wanting to talk much with their parents, sometimes they will – and when they do, it is very important that you be available and open to listening and talking through what can often be very difficult feelings. Those feelings are often far easier to process together than alone.
- Resist the urge to criticize your ex: Understandably, divorce can be a very difficult time emotionally, for everyone. You may still have very volatile and strong emotions about your ex – and this is normal. While those feelings are understandable, it is important to try to remember that your ex is still the parent of your children – a parent that they love and care for. Criticizing and belitting your ex might make you feel better in the moment, but it is harmful to everyone in the long-term, and it won’t change the reality of the situation. Children, teens included, are not mature enough to handle adult matters and adult emotions – and they shouldn’t be asked to.
- Be flexible, but firm: Often, during a divorce, parents make the mistake of trying to alleviate the sadness and stress that comes along with the divorce process by giving their children gifts or privileges that they might not provide under normal circumstances, or by letting their children “get away” with behavior that they otherwise wouldn’t. While this temptation is understandable, it is ultimately ill-advised, and can actually hurt your children more than help them. All children – teens included, and sometimes especially – need structure, and reliability, and predictability. Feeling as if they can suddenly do or have anything they want might be fun in the moment – but it can ultimately be unsettling and detrimental in the long-run. This doesn’t mean that you can’t occasionally splurge on extra gifts or privileges, or that you can’t be understanding and flexible about behavior that may be related to the emotional stress of the divorce. It simply means that you shouldn’t make it a habit.
- Seek professional help if needed: Sometimes, there are simply issues that your teen might be facing that you feel you can’t handle alone. If that is the case, seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor who is qualified to work through those issues with your teen can make a world of difference. Often, it can be very helpful to work through your emotions with an objective third party, and doing so might be very beneficial for your teen during this time. Ask for recommendations for qualified counselors and therapists from someone in your area that you know and trust, and don’t hesitate to get the help that you need.
Ultimately, the truth of the matter is that even if you take all of these steps, your divorce is still unlikely to be stress-free for your teen. It’s important to be realistic about this, and to accept that some amount of emotional pain is part of the process. Don’t allow this to discourage you or dissuade you from continuing to make the effort to work toward helping your teen through this transition as much as you can. That effort will be well worth it in the long run.