Understandably, divorce can cause people to rethink everything they knew about love. After all, most people enter into their marriages assuming that it will be forever – assuming they have found the one person they will spend the rest of their days with. When that doesn’t turn out to be the case, it can be very confusing and emotionally unsettling. Sometimes, that can cause people to question whether they believe in love at all, or whether they ever want to date again after their marriage is over.
All of these feelings are understandable and normal – and certainly, no one should jump back into the dating scene before they feel that they are ready. There is some good news, though. The good news is that though you may rethink love and see it in a different light, and it is possible to find love again after a divorce. If you are considering re-entering the dating scene here are some helpful tips:
- Be sure that you are truly ready to move on: Sure, your divorce may be official. You may technically and legally be free to begin your new chapter – but make sure to ask yourself if you’re truly ready. If you have not yet reached a point where you are able to stop fixating on your ex, then you may not be ready to move back into the dating scene. It is possible that you still need time to heal and time to let go of your regret and resentment – time to make peace with the past in order to move into a healthy place where you are truly ready to begin a new relationship. Taking the time to do this will be well worth it in the long run.
- Don’t confuse chemistry for connection: Particularly if you have been out of the dating scene for some time, it can be exciting to begin dating again. Wanting the intensity and spark of an exciting romance is understandable. It’s important to keep in mind though, that sometimes the most intense attractions do not serve as a sufficient basis on which to build a long-term relationship. Immediate and instant chemistry is not always a good indicator of the long-term potential that a relationship might or might not have. In fact, in many cases, true chemistry and attachment grows best over time. Before you jump into a relationship based on lust or attraction alone, truly spend time getting to know the person and thinking through the relationship itself and what it might have to offer.
- Think through your relationship goals: This may sound a bit unromantic, but it is important. As with any major life decision, a relationship is something that shouldn’t be rushed into. It’s important to take the time to really think through what you want as far as a relationship-not doing so could result in making the same mistakes as in past relationships, which is of course something to be avoided. Take a good hard look at what worked for your relationships in the past and what didn’t, what you liked in a partner and what you didn’t. Visualize your relationship journey, and visualize what you want for your life. Then, as your date, truly think through whether the person you’re dating fits with that long-term vision of happiness that you have created.
- Find a good therapist: After a relationship as significant as a marriage has ended, chances are high that there will be some left over emotional issues to resolve. It is only normal and understandable that you may have places of pain in your heart that you need to deal with. It is often infinitely more helpful to have someone walk with you through those issues than it can be to try to handle them alone. A qualified counselor will be able to help you work through your past and your feelings and help build a solid and healthy foundation for a new relationship. Taking the time to find one who is a good fit for your personality, and your needs can be well worth it.
- Know when to introduce your children: Certainly, deciding when to introduce your children to the people you are dating is a decision that will be dependent upon your circumstances. Obviously, the older your children are, the likelihood that you can be open with them and communicate about your new relationship is greater. If your children are very young, however, it is best to wait until the relationship has become somewhat serious and you have been dating for a significant period of time prior to introducing them to your new relationship. Understandably, for younger children, being introduced to a new person can be confusing, and at times emotionally unsettling. They may still be working though the emotions they feel after your divorce, and being introduced to too many new people can be emotionally difficult. It is always best to err on the side of giving more time rather than less in this situation. If the person that you’re dating is truly someone you want to be with for the long term, they should be understanding of this and patient until you believe the time is right.
- Don’t get discouraged: The truth of the matter is that dating can be difficult. Chances are that your spouse was not the first person you ever dated, and chances are that the very first person you date after your divorce may not be the person you ultimately end up with. Don’t allow this to make you feel as if something is wrong with you, or as if you’re never going to find happiness in a relationship again. Chances are, you will, and chances are good that with all that you’ve learned from your divorce, the long-term relationship you might eventually find will be even healthier and happier because of those learned lessons. Just be patient with the amount of time it may take to find it.
Re-entering the dating scene may be a little intimidating, and even a little frightening, and that’s okay. It may take time to dip your feet back into the water, and it may take time to truly feel comfortable with dating again. The effort is well worth it though. One of the most wonderful things about life is that it is full of unexpected surprises, and often, after some of life’s most difficult times, new chapters more wonderful than we can expect lie ahead.