While divorce may mean the end of a marriage, parenthood is forever. Although you will no longer be husband and wife, you’ll always be mom and dad. With that in mind, most parents want to know – what can we do to be the best parents that we can be throughout the divorce process, and after? Without question, every divorcing couple has their own story and their own circumstances – and in some situations, parenting throughout the divorce process and co-parenting afterward may be more difficult than others.
It’s important to keep in mind, however, that with the right attitude on the part of both parties and a willingness to cooperate and compromise even through difficulties, co-parenting can be successful and beneficial for everyone involved. Here are a few tips to help parents, both during the divorce process and after:
- Telling your children about the divorce: Be willing and ready to openly discuss what is happening in your family with your children. After all, they are an essential part of the family unit and need and deserve to be a part of the important conversations you are having – albeit at a level and tone appropriate for their ages and maturity level. Before having the conversation, if possible, it is helpful for parents to discuss together how they will deliver the news. For younger children, short and clear explanations are often best, while older children may need and want a more in-depth discussion, although still within appropriate boundaries. It is also essential, regardless of their ages, to let your children know that the divorce is not in any way their fault and that nothing that did (or didn’t) lead to your decision or can change your mind. Feeling as if they are somehow responsible for the divorce can be very stressful and difficult for children, so every effort should be made to reassure them that the decision was in no way related to any fault on their part. It is important to remember that as your children grow, so too will their understanding of the divorce, but this will require patience and a willingness to be open and to listen whenever necessary as your children try to work through their feelings and process the transition.
- Avoid negativity: Divorce can be painful. Often, spouses can, and do hurt one another. Sometimes, there is marital misconduct by one or both spouses that creates a rift in the relationship which seems as if it can never be mended. Emotions are volatile. All of that is normal. Feeling angry at your spouse is normal. Despite these truths, it is important, as a parent, to make an effort to avoid disparaging or insulting your spouse in front of your children whenever possible. Remember – although you are divorcing your spouse, that person is still a parent to your children and one whom your children probably love very much. Hearing one parent insult or ridicule another can be confusing and needlessly painful for your children – especially in the midst of what is already a very difficult time. Avoid the urge to criticize or be unkind whenever possible.
- Remember your routines: Divorce is a time of change and transition. This can often be difficult for children, who often thrive on routine and structure. Many children prefer the predictability of a routine. They like to know what to expect during the day, and what to anticipate. Although it might not always be possible to stick to your normal routines completely throughout the divorce process, make every effort to do so when possible. Even though you and your spouse may be living in different homes, you can still make an effort to coordinate your schedules when it comes to things like planning out bedtime and mealtime routines, coordinating activity and school schedules, and the like. Even though it may be a transition to live in two different homes, having similar routines and schedules in each home often makes that transition a little easier for everyone involved. Making the effort to create and agree upon those schedules and routines and to both work toward implementing them is a decision that is well worth it and beneficial for everyone in the long run.
- Be willing to compromise on your custody arrangement: All too often during the divorce process, there can be a tendency to want to “win” on any issues of disagreement. That desire is understandable – after all, the decision to divorce often follows a difficult period in the relationship where both spouses have likely hurt one another and emotions are running high. Without a doubt, “winning,” or getting your way on an issue can feel satisfying – temporarily, at least. It’s important to keep in mind that that temporary feeling of vindication may not be worth it, however, especially where your children are concerned. The issues involved with determining and implementing a custody arrangement and parenting plan are primary examples of this. While your initial instinct might be to try to “punish” your ex-spouse by attempting to keep your spouse from seeing your children as this often punishes your children too if your spouse is a good and loving parent. Even though it may be difficult, try as much as you can to be willing to compromise and cooperate when it comes to working out a custody arrangement that allows both parents to spend quality time with the children. Everyone will benefit from doing so in the long run.
- Remain flexible: The divorce process can be difficult, as can the transition afterward. Sometimes, the process of transitioning from one home to two can be messy and complicated. As children grow, their needs and routines will change. Sometimes, your co-parent may have a change of jobs, or a schedule change, or a health issue that arises that requires your flexibility and willingness to cooperate. Be willing and open to accepting those changes and working through them with your co-parenting. Doing so will always be in the best interest of your children.
While we hope that these tips are helpful, they are only a few of many. Talking with friends and family who have gone through a divorce before can also be a wonderful source of helpful guidance as you navigate parenting during the divorce process, as can speaking with a trained counselor, religious figure, or family therapist. You can also find more helpful tips for co-parenting after divorce here.
The Law Office of Dustin McCrary – Here for You
At The Law Office of Dustin McCrary, we understand every aspect of the divorce process from beginning to end. We know that at times it can be very difficult – especially for parents who are trying to work through their own emotional pain while continuing to do all they can to be there for their children throughout the process. Although the process may be painful at times, the good news is that we also know, that with the right guidance and assistance, it can be the beginning of a bright new chapter ahead. We’re here to provide the guidance and assistance you need. Contact our office at any time. We look forward to looking how we can help you soon.