If you’ve decided to leave your marriage, it is likely not a decision you made easily or quickly. It’s one of the most challenging and important decisions you’ll ever make. It’s also true that making that decision is only the first step of the process. For many people, telling their spouse that they want a divorce is the next step – and it certainly isn’t easy, either.
Understandably, this conversation is not one that you want to have without thought and consideration beforehand—especially if your spouse may not be expecting this news. Even though it won’t be easy, preparing for it ahead of time and ensuring that you do all you can to help the conversation go smoothly can be tremendously helpful.
- Choose the Appropriate Place and Time: A conversation about a divorce differs from a conversation you want to have when you or your spouse are stressed out, tired, or busy. It’s different from a conversation you want to have when you only have a few minutes or have children or other people around. Instead, it’s best to have this conversation in a quiet place with plenty of time to discuss things thoroughly without interruption. Doing so will make the conversation more accessible for both of you.
- Stay Calm: Telling your spouse you want a divorce will likely be emotional. There’s no getting around that. It will be impossible to eliminate difficult emotions from the conversation – but you can do your part to try to manage them. Particularly in complex and emotionally charged situations, if one person escalates, the other will also. Instead, try to remain calm. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t exhibit any emotion – to the contrary, it can be helpful to empathize with the way your spouse is feeling. Just try to remain calm and have the conversation clearly and confidently.
- Avoid Blaming Your Spouse: Understandably, at the end of a marriage, there are usually issues about which you and your spouse will disagree. There are likely things that each of you has done (or not done) for which the other person is resentful or places blame. That’s normal and part of being human. What could be more helpful, however, is attempting to place that blame on your spouse during the conversation. Blaming someone else puts them in a defensive position. It makes them less likely to want to cooperate or communicate openly –the opposite of what you want as you move through the divorce process.
- Leave Your Problems in the Past: Just as it is essential to avoid blaming your spouse for the divorce, it’s also important to avoid bringing up past grudges and hurtful moments if possible. Likely, your spouse is already aware of these issues – and it’s unlikely that bringing them up will be helpful. When feasible, leave your past in the past and try to focus on the future.
- Listen to Your Spouse: Even if you’re sure that divorce is the right choice, you should give your spouse the time and space to voice their thoughts – and truly listen to what they have to say. Even though you may no longer be married, you will always be co-parents if you have children. And even if you don’t have children, treating the other person with respect is still essential. Everyone wants to feel heard and as if their opinions matter. Treating the other person respectfully will help you maintain an attitude of cooperation and open communication, which is essential.
- Stay Firm: Although listening to your spouse and making sure they feel heard and valued is essential, this doesn’t mean you have to change your mind about the divorce. If you genuinely thought the decision through and believe divorce is the best, you should remain firm and move forward. Allowing your spouse to persuade you otherwise if you are sure that divorce is the best option won’t be helpful for anyone in the long run. Be kind, but remain confident as well.
- Try to Focus on One Thing at a Time: If you’re already in a difficult conversation, it can sometimes be tempting to address as many matters as possible to get them “out of the way.” While this may be tempting, the truth is that you likely won’t be able to get those matters out of the way. You and your spouse will likely want to consult with attorneys who know and understand the law to ensure that you protect your rights and work together toward the best outcome for your case. Trying to go over all of these issues amid an already tricky conversation will not likely be productive. It can only make you more stressed and emotional than you already feel.
This conversation with your spouse will probably be emotional and complex, even in the best situations. Though difficult, the conversation can be the first step toward a better chapter for you, your spouse, and your family. You’ll need a trusted and experienced guide for that journey. At The Law Office of Dustin McCrary, we’re here to help.
Dustin McCrary – Your North Carolina Divorce Attorney
At The Law Office of Dustin McCrary, we are passionate about helping our clients through their divorce journey every step of the way. We know this can be a challenging and emotional experience, so we’re here to help. We’re passionate about listening to each client’s story and helping them reach the best outcomes for their families and future. If you’re ready to take that first step, call us.
We look forward to speaking with you soon.