Experiencing domestic violence is painful and traumatic, and the last thing victims want is to relive those experiences after leaving. However, having children with an abuser can feel like an ongoing ordeal, even after divorce. In many cases, parents are required to co-parent despite a history of abuse or domestic violence. While the intent is to keep both parents involved for the child’s benefit, this can sometimes pose significant risks. Understanding how to protect yourself while co-parenting with an abusive ex is crucial.
What is Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting involves parents working together civilly and respectfully to do what is best for their child. While this can be challenging under any circumstances, a history of abuse adds an extra layer of difficulty. It’s natural not to want to cooperate with a former abuser, but your child needs the stability and security that healthy co-parenting can provide. Successful co-parenting teaches children important values like responsibility, respect, compromise, and patience. Overcoming past trauma can provide your child with a powerful example of resilience and sacrifice. Here are some ways to protect yourself while upholding your commitment to co-parenting.
How to Stay Safe While Co-Parenting with Your Former Abuser
Know Your Legal Rights and Advocate for Yourself
If your ex tends to manipulate you or your child, understanding your legal rights and protections as a parent can reduce the risk of harm. If your ex was physically abusive towards you or your child, these issues should be raised during custody disputes. Although it may be intimidating, providing the court with a complete picture of the family history is crucial to ensure the child’s best interests. A history of domestic violence can influence custody decisions, potentially limiting the abusive parent’s visitation rights.
If you fear further harm from your abuser, seeking a restraining order or protective order might be necessary.
Create Clear Boundaries and Communication Methods
Abusive individuals often manipulate and twist situations. While you may be required to co-parent, you don’t have to tolerate ongoing abuse or manipulation. Establish clear boundaries and communication methods from the beginning. Specify hours and methods of communication, and set rules for how your ex can communicate with the child when in their care.
For instance, if your child’s bedtime is 8 PM, inform your ex in writing that calls or emails after this time are unacceptable. Setting limits on communication can maintain your authority and prevent harassment.
Using scheduling tools can also help. These tools allow co-parents to coordinate events, set custody schedules, and discuss issues in a system less prone to manipulation. Unlike phone calls or emails, which can be altered or deleted, scheduling apps provide a more reliable communication method.
Have a Self-Executing Custody Arrangement
A clear and detailed custody agreement is essential. Whether through a separation agreement, consent order, or court order, ensure that the custody arrangement is specific and self-executing. Ambiguity can give an abuser room to manipulate the situation. For example, if splitting Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, specify exact times for pick-up and drop-off to prevent misuse of parental rights.
Maintain Safe Spaces and Protect Yourself
For safety, all in-person exchanges should occur in secure public places, like your child’s school or daycare. Having a third party present can also help diffuse tension and provide additional security and support.
Report Breaches and Remain Calm
An abusive ex may breach the custody agreement. If your ex frequently picks up the child late, returns them late, keeps the child overnight without permission, or schedules activities during your custody time, remain calm and avoid confrontation. Start by sending your attorney a letter reminding your ex to adhere to the agreement. If this doesn’t work, consider mediation, asking the judge for modifications, or filing a motion for contempt.
The Law Office of Dustin McCrary – Here to Support You
Co-parenting with an abusive ex is undoubtedly challenging, but it is not impossible. By setting appropriate boundaries, knowing your rights, and maintaining clear communication, you can ensure your safety and well-being while allowing your children to maintain relationships with their other parents. At The Law Office of Dustin McCrary, we understand the complexities and are here to support you. You are not alone. Contact us today to learn how we can help you navigate this difficult time safely and effectively.