After a difficult divorce, the truth is that you may not even feel like speaking to your spouse at all. You may be angry and hurt, and may be grieving the loss of the future you planned together. All of those feelings are entirely understandable. Unfortunately, however, if you and your ex-spouse share children, you may need to put those feelings aside to co-parent together and work toward the shared goal of being the best parents possible for your children. Understandably, this might not be easy. The good news is that there are many strategies for effective co-parenting that you and your family can try to learn which works best for you.
If you’ve been through a difficult divorce, how do you put those difficult feelings aside to do what is best as parents for the children you love? How do you learn to communicate and cooperate effectively, despite your painful feelings? What steps can you take to ensure that you put your children first and do what’s best for them, even when it’s difficult? These are all important questions to ask. Let’s look at a few common mistakes that co-parents make, particularly after a difficult divorce, and what you might do to avoid them.
Create Consistency Between Household Rules
If you and your spouse had different parenting styles during your marriage, there is a significant chance that they may become even more pronounced after your separation and divorce. In fact, your different parenting styles may even be part of what led to your decision to divorce in the first place.
If you and your spouse share custody equally, it can be tempting to want to parent in your own style as much as possible – and that’s understandable. However, it’s important to consider that setting two sets of rules and two different standards of behavior in each household can be confusing for children.
Children often thrive on routine, and inconsistency can be disconcerting. If a child breaks a rule in one home and receives a punishment, but then is allowed to act completely differently in the other parent’s house, it can make transitions confusing and create internal conflict for the child.
Even though it won’t be easy, try working with your spouse to create consistency between your households. This effective co-parenting strategy will help children maintain boundaries and relationships with both parents and feel stable and secure in both homes, as they ultimately know what to expect when going from one home to another. This will translate to a more stress-free and respectful relationship for everyone involved. It’s well worth the effort, if possible.
Prioritize Communication and Cooperation
Any successful co-parenting relationship requires a level of communication and cooperation. Unfortunately, after a difficult divorce where one or both of you may feel strong and painful emotions toward the other, communication and cooperation may not seem easy. And that’s understandable. Even so, putting aside those difficult emotions in the moments that matter and working with your spouse to learn how to communicate and cooperate effectively when you need to can be well worth the effort.
To be an effective co-parenting strategy, communicating effectively does not mean that you have to become best friends with your spouse. It does not mean you have to talk regularly about anything that doesn’t involve the children. It does mean that you both realize that open and honest communication, without anger and high emotion, will benefit everyone involved – especially the children you love.
Along with being willing to communicate openly, effective co-parenting also requires a willingness to cooperate and sometimes, to compromise when necessary. Understandably, this won’t always be easy – and sometimes, there are certainly matters on which you shouldn’t compromise. Ultimately, however, it will be best for everyone to be willing to give some ground on issues that may not be of the utmost importance, to cooperate and work together toward the shared goal of doing what’s best for your kids.
If you find cooperation and communication difficult after an unpleasant divorce, you should know that this is totally normal. In addition to the challenging emotions you feel, you may also have trouble communicating with your spouse generally, particularly if your marriage had been deteriorating for some time prior to the divorce. If that is the case, you should know that there are therapists who can help with communication skills, and seeking that help is always a good idea if you need it.
Set Boundaries When You Need Them
In all relationships, boundaries are important. This is even more true in difficult, high-conflict relationships. If you want to co-parent effectively with an ex-spouse, setting those boundaries early and maintaining them as much as possible is important.
Be clear about what topics are acceptable and unacceptable to discuss. Be honest about what types of communication are healthy and acceptable, and which are disrespectful and intolerable. When your boundaries are violated, speak up and remain firm. Establishing those boundaries early and maintaining them long-term will ensure that you feel safe and confident in the co-parenting relationship, which is best for you and your children, too.
Avoid Negativity
This can be the toughest, yet most effective, co-parenting strategy. Depending upon the circumstances of your divorce, you may feel many negative emotions toward your spouse, and those emotions may be justified. Sometimes, when you feel so many negative emotions, it can be hard to keep them to yourself.
The good news is, you don’t have to.
Instead of bottling up your negative emotions, you can and should talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. You should find healthy outlets for your anger – a hobby, exercise, or time to relax and do things you enjoy.
What you shouldn’t do, even though it may be tempting, is talk negatively to or about your ex-spouse, especially in front of your children. First and foremost, you should remember that your children love both of their parents, and typically want both parents to be happy and healthy. It can confuse children when one parent constantly talks negatively about the other. Moreover, it can cause children to have negative feelings about themselves. Often, children subconsciously think that if one parent thinks the other is “bad,” then maybe the child is partially “bad” too. Certainly, this is something you want to avoid.
Beyond the adverse effects that negativity could have on your children, it’s also important to keep in mind that, depending on the ages of your children, you will likely have to communicate and cooperate with your spouse for quite a while. Reducing negativity and encouraging positive, open, and honest communication will make both of you more effective co-parents, willing to compromise when you need to, and to do what’s best for the children you both love.
Seek Help When You Need It
Parenting isn’t easy, even in the best of circumstances. Co-parenting can be even more difficult – especially when you’ve been through a stressful divorce with many painful emotions. Some days, effective co-parenting strategies work, and other days they may not. Many people have these struggles, and you are certainly not alone in your challenges. In fact, that’s why there are therapists specifically trained to help you navigate those challenges.
After a difficult divorce, you are probably feeling all sorts of emotions – anger, grief, frustration, anxiety, and perhaps positive emotions too, like hope and relief, depending upon your circumstances. No matter what you feel, however, those feelings can, at times, become overwhelming. That’s normal.
An experienced family therapist can help you work through those emotions in a positive way. You can learn to identify your feelings and work through them. You can explore positive ways to deal with your frustration and sadness. You can even learn to work together with your ex-spouse, despite the pain, to be the best co-parent you can be for your children. All of those rewards are certainly well worth the effort.
Call The Law Office of Dustin McCrary Today
At The Law Office of Dustin McCrary, we know that being a parent means always wanting what’s best for your children, even in the most difficult circumstances. Your marriage may not have ended on the best terms, but you want to put your best foot forward as a co-parent. That’s a goal you can absolutely achieve. And we’re here to help. At The Law Office of Dustin McCrary, we know and understand every aspect of the divorce process, and we’re here to help you through it each step of the way. You can look forward to a better and brighter chapter ahead, and there’s no time like now to get started. Give us a call today. We look forward to speaking with you soon.