Divorce often marks the end of a marriage, but not the end of your parenting responsibilities – especially if you’re trying to co-parent after a high-conflict divorce. Even though you will no longer be husband and wife, you’ll always be parents. It will always be important to work together to co-parent your children as best you can. That’s what’s in the children’s best interest, and it will be best for everyone involved as you move forward.
What happens, though, if you had a high-conflict divorce? Without question, divorce can be a difficult process – and emotions can often run high. Depending upon the circumstances involved in your divorce, things may even have become quite contentious. If you’ve gone through a high-conflict divorce like this, you may find yourself feeling depleted, overwhelmed, frustrated, and even angry. All of that is normal. Nevertheless, if you have children, you’ll need to find a way to work together to make decisions in their best interest and parent together cooperatively. The good news is, there are ways to do this, even after a high-conflict divorce.
Addressing Child Custody Issues
Before you can co-parent after a high-conflict divorce, it’s essential that you first establish a custody arrangement for your children. Doing so is an important part of the divorce process. You will want to thoroughly think through potential issues and arrangements and discuss those matters with your attorney so that you can reach a resolution that works best for your family and your future.
There are two primary options for addressing custody issues during a divorce:
- The first is to work through the issues together outside of court. Doing so is often called “alternative dispute resolution.” There are a variety of methods for doing this, including collaborative law, mediation, and lawyer-led settlement negotiations, to name a few. Regardless of the particular method that you choose, the end goal is the same – reaching an agreement out of court that addresses your important issues in a way that works best for everyone involved.
- The second is to present the issues to a court and to let a judge decide. Taking a matter to court will typically involve more time and expense than settling it outside of court. In some cases, however, this is ultimately the best option. Sometimes, emotions are simply too high to allow for effective and cooperative negotiation. In other cases, there can be more complex considerations to navigate, like addiction, mental illness, or some other difficulty may prevent one spouse from being able to work through issues effectively in an out-of-court setting.
Regardless of how the custody issue is ultimately addressed, it is important to ensure that you and your ex-spouse end up with a clear custody plan regarding the time that the child will spend with each parent. A good custody arrangement will also usually include information about legal custody of the children – that is, the role each parent will play with regard to making important decisions for the well-being of the children in their day-to-day lives.
Having a clear and well-drafted custody agreement will be tremendously helpful if you want to start off on the right foot as co-parents. It will clearly define obligations and responsibilities so that each parent knows their role and what to expect from the other parent. Let’s take a closer look at how each parent can work toward implementing a custody plan and co-parenting effectively together.
What Steps Can You Take to Work Together Well?
To successfully co-parent after a high-conflict divorce, you’ll need to be willing to communicate, cooperate, and compromise. That sounds simple on its face – but understandably it may be easier said than done. That’s why it can be helpful to think through the co-parenting process and to really focus on what steps you can take to work with your spouse to make healthy co-parenting a reality. Some of these steps include:
Prioritize Your Children’s Well-Being
This seems that it might go without saying, but it’s still always important to keep in mind. Whatever issues you may have with your spouse, whatever pain you might feel as a result of the end of your relationship – all of this is separate from your children and their need for love and care. It’s important to remember that children need two stable and supportive homes after a divorce, and this means putting conflict aside and doing what you can to minimize their exposure to parental differences. Although you may feel negatively about your ex-spouse, you also need to remember that the ex-spouse is a parent whom the children also love. Avoid making negative comments about your ex-spouse in front of the children, and do not argue or escalate tensions in front of them.
Consider a Co-Parenting Communications Tool
In today’s world, there’s an app for everything – including communicating with your co-parent. These apps and websites can be tremendously helpful for co-parents who struggle to communicate effectively. There are any number to choose from, and they provide parents with tools to communicate in an organized, monitored, and focused way. This reduces confrontations and encourages cooperation. Many of these apps also include helpful tools like budget-tracking, message logs, shared calendars, and more.
Set Boundaries
As you seek to communicate cooperatively and effectively with your ex-spouse, setting clear boundaries will be necessary. Having clear guidelines for communication, scheduling, and decision-making is important. Additionally, agreeing ahead of time only to discuss matters relating to the children and setting expectations for respectful communication may be very helpful in reducing the potential for arguments.
Seek Professional Support if Needed
Sometimes in life, we all need help. Certainly, co-parenting after a high-conflict divorce can be one of those times. Fortunately, there are many therapists, mediators, and counselors who are specifically trained in helping co-parents manage conflict and communicate effectively. These therapists can also help you work through your personal needs and provide important tools for healing and self-care.
Stick to Your Parenting Plan
If you and your ex-spouse have a parenting plan in place, sticking to that plan as much as possible is essential. A clear parenting plan will establish expectations for both parties and will ensure that everyone is on the same page. If the parenting plan eventually needs to be changed, it is always important to ensure that you and your spouse agree on the change (or that a court approves the change) before deviating from the plan.
Encourage Your Children to View the Other Parent Positively
Although this may be difficult, particularly after a high-conflict divorce, it is important. In most cases, children love both parents very much. It can be confusing when one parent seems resentful of the child’s affection for the other parent. Never make your children feel like they have to take sides, as this is emotionally distressing and overwhelming. Instead, encourage your children to build a positive relationship with the other parent. Doing so is best for everyone in the long run.
Stay Flexible
It’s important to remember that co-parenting isn’t easy, regardless of the circumstances. There will be difficult moments, and giving grace to yourself and your ex-spouse is important. Do your best to stay flexible, open to compromise, and be understanding of the other parent, as you would want them to be for you. Building a relationship of mutual respect and willingness to cooperate is important and well worth the effort.
These are only a few ideas of many, but we hope they are helpful. Ultimately, you know yourself, and you know your ex-spouse, and you know what will work best for your family. Work together to discuss ideas and find solutions that work well for everyone involved. Also keep in mind that as time goes on, the volatile emotions of a high-conflict divorce will likely subside, at least to some degree. Even though you may feel angry at one another now, ideally, as time passes, you will increasingly be able to work well together to care for the children you share and love. While it may be challenging at times, your efforts to co-parent after a high-conflict divorce can lead to a healthier, more stable environment for your children.
The Law Office of Dustin McCrary – Here For You
Divorce isn’t easy, even in the very best of circumstances. During a high-conflict divorce, particularly one involving children, things can feel overwhelming. At The Law Office of Dustin McCrary, we understand that. That’s why we’re here to help you through this process with the compassion, guidance, and advice you need. Each couple has a unique story, and each divorce is a unique process. We’re here to listen to your story and work with you to find the best solutions for you and your family as you move forward. If you’re ready to get started, give us a call today. We look forward to speaking with you soon.