Often, people going through a divorce involving children eventually find themselves participating in a child custody mediation. This may sound intimidating – and that’s understandable. The good news is that mediation can often be very successful in helping parties achieve their desired outcomes. To do that, it’s essential to understand what you should and shouldn’t do in these circumstances.
What is a Child Custody Mediation?
Child custody mediation is a confidential process that the parties participate in voluntarily or at the court’s direction. During a mediation, a neutral, objective, third-party mediator will facilitate a conversation between the parents as they try to reach an agreement on physical and legal custody of their children.
Mediation allows parties to avoid the stress and expense of lengthy court hearings, giving them more control over the outcome of their case. During a child custody mediation, the parties may discuss various issues, including child support, parenting responsibilities, travel schedules, visitation schedules, health issues, education, religion, and many other co-parenting topics.
Before the mediation, you should consult with your attorney, genuinely thinking through the ideal custody arrangements for your family. The good news is that today, couples usually have great flexibility in making those decisions. There aren’t any “one-size-fits-all” arrangements.
What Makes a Mediation Successful?
How do you reach that ideal outcome? Hopefully, by working effectively and willing to compromise with a shared goal. This is ultimately for everyone’s benefit. Reducing conflict and working toward compromise will save money and time and reduce stress. It truly allows everyone to “win.”
With that in mind, here are a few things you should avoid saying and doing during a child custody mediation:
- Avoid the Accusations: Most people don’t respond well when they feel blamed or accused, and your spouse is likely no different. Saying things like, “You never help with the kids,” “You work too much,” or “You don’t understand the kids as well as I do” is rarely helpful. Blaming your spouse for problems will likely cause them to feel defensive and dig in their heels instead of being willing to work toward a compromise. It’s best to avoid blaming if possible.
- Try Not to Sound Possessive: Sometimes, one spouse will refer to the children as “my children” instead of “our children.” While it may not be the intention, this often makes the other spouse feel bad and can make them less willing to communicate and cooperate. This may seem like a simple point – but it’s one worth making. You share children, and you’re trying to come to a shared resolution. Work toward it positively together.
- Put the Past Away: In child custody mediations (and many other aspects of life), bringing up the past can be painful. This doesn’t mean that what happened in the past is essential. Past issues may be very pertinent to the present. When you bring past issues up, however, try to do so constructively. This will encourage conversation and keep the door open for working together to solve your problems.
- Don’t Demand: No one likes ultimatums. No one likes to be told what to do. No one likes to sit across the table from someone laying out a list of demands, making it seem as if there is no room to find the middle ground. Understandably, you may have some issues that you don’t feel you can compromise. However, discussing those with your attorney before the mediation is best. Together, you can decide how to present those issues to your spouse best, hoping to reach a resolution that works.
- Cut out the Comparisons: Just as no one likes to feel blamed, most people also want to avoid feeling as if they are continually being compared to their spouse or others. Saying things like, “You can’t take care of the children like I can,” or “My family offers a better support system for our children than yours,” or “I’m a more involved and attentive parent than you,” – these things aren’t helpful. They don’t encourage your spouse to want to work with you. Instead, try to see the good in your spouse – for yourself and your children. This way, you’ll likely reach a better outcome for everyone involved.
- Don’t Disregard Feelings: As you go through the mediation process, remember that your spouse has feelings like you do. They likely care deeply about your children, too. They may also feel passionate about specific issues – even if they are not what you are passionate about. Therefore, it’s important not to diminish your spouse’s feelings. Instead, work to make your spouse feel their feelings are as valuable as yours. Doing so will help keep you in a mindset where you’re continually willing to work together to do what’s best for your children and the feelings of everyone involved.
These steps will help you and your spouse make the most of your mediation. If you can, you’ll save time and money and avoid stress. You’ll have the freedom and flexibility to agree on solutions that truly work for your family; in that scenario, everyone wins.
To ensure that you feel adequately prepared for child custody mediation and everything that a divorce entails, you’ll need a knowledgeable and experienced attorney who can guide you through the process at each step. At The Law Office of Dustin McCrary, we’re here to help.
The Law Office of Dustin McCrary – With You Each Step of the Way
At The Law Office of Dustin McCrary, we know that for most people going through a divorce, there is no issue more important than child custody. To you, your children are the world – and we understand that. That’s why we’ll work tirelessly to help you find the best solutions for your family and your future. We’re passionate about helping our clients work through these complex issues to achieve their desired outcomes. We believe you deserve nothing less. We’re always here for you, and we’re ready to help.
We look forward to talking to you soon.