According to ancient Greek mythology, a young man named Narcissus fell deeply in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Because of his tremendous and all-encompassing obsession with himself, he was unable to truly love others, or to receive love from them, which eventually led to him spending the remainder of life fixated fully on himself until he turned into the flower that remains named for him to this day. Though this is certainly an interesting and sobering piece of trivia, it is particularly relevant for those who today, happen to live with someone who shares many of his traits.
Today, the Narcissus of mythology also serves as the root of the word “narcissist”, a term which has come to be synonymous with one who idealizes themselves to the extent that they do not see their own behaviors or their reality clearly. They tend to view themselves as unable to do wrong, and have an excessive need for admiration and affirmation. They often feel entitled, and can be very manipulative, particularly of those closest to them. As with any personality disorder, there are varying degrees on the spectrum of narcissism, and some people certainly exhibit these traits to a greater extent than others.
If you are married to a narcissist, these traits likely sound familiar. Sometimes, these tendencies can be effectively addressed through counseling and various forms of therapy, and on other occasions, they simply become too much for the non-narcissistic spouse to live with. If you find yourself in a situation where you are married to a narcissist and are either contemplating, or are in the midst of a divorce, you are likely aware that it may end up being a particularly difficult process on many levels.
Divorcing someone with narcissism can be even more unpleasant and complicated than a normal divorce because of the personality tendencies and behaviors that exist in a narcissistic individual . It goes without saying that a person who focuses primarily upon themselves and feels incapable of doing wrong will likely not be the most cooperative person to work on issues with during a divorce. It’s likely that they may not take responsibility for their own behaviors, and it’s likely that they will be resistant to working with you in a productive and positive way. It’s important to be realistic about these possibilities ahead of time, and to prepare yourself as best you can.
While no tips can entirely take away the added layer of stress that might accompany divorcing a narcissist, fortunately, there are some helpful suggestions you might want to keep in mind if you find yourself in this situation:
- Hire a divorce attorney who has experience dealing with narcissists: In law, as in most professions, different attorneys have different levels of experience and unique specialties. Just as you wouldn’t see an orthopedic doctor for an issue with your heart, you wouldn’t see an attorney who has no experience dealing with narcissistic personalities in a family law setting when you find yourself in that situation. As you meet with and interview potential attorneys, it is important to be honest with the attorney about your situation, and about your spouse’s personality. Finding someone who is well-versed in the typical behavior of narcissists and in using strategies that will help to counteract those behaviors is important.
- Try to avoid reacting emotionally: One truth about most narcissists is that they typically see very little fault in themselves, and tend to blame the majority of their problems and issues on others. In a marriage, this can be extremely frustrating and emotionally distressing, and this will be the case during your divorce as well. Typically, a narcissist will approach the divorce process as they approach most of the rest of life – with a sense of entitlement. It is not at all unusual to see narcissistic individuals lean toward an “all-or-nothing” sort of approach, when it comes to any number of issues in the divorce. For example, a narcissistic spouse may try to seek full custody of your children, attempt to argue for paying as little support as possible, or try to get property in the settlement that they don’t really even care about, just to “get back” at you emotionally, even if you are a wonderful parent. Understandably, this can be very upsetting. It is important, though, to try as much as possible not to react emotionally, as this is often the reaction that a narcissist wants, and is simply another of many forms of manipulation. Don’t allow your anger or frustration cloud your judgment, or keep you from remaining level-headed and focused on your long-term goals. Instead, react calmly and logically with clear proof and sound arguments on the issues that matter. This is the best way to ensure the result that is ultimately fair and best for all involved.
- Document, document, document: Another truth about narcissists is that when they want to, and when they make an effort, they can be quite charming and charismatic. During a divorce proceeding, particularly when they are attempting to get something they want, they can turn on this charm, and will likely make every effort to do so. In the face of that charm and charisma, simply making the assertion that your ex is a narcissist may not be enough. If possible, do all that you can to obtain clear documentation and proof of your soon-to-be-ex’s troubling behaviors. Is he or she verbally and/or physically abusive? Make recordings of interactions where abusive language is used, if possible, and if you can do so safely. Do you have proof of times that your spouse has refused to return the children to you on time, just to “punish” you or manipulate you into doing what he or she wants? Provide that proof, if so. Any sort of documentation – screenshots of social media pages that indicate your spouse’s bad judgment or aggressive behavior, copies of emails, screenshots of text messages – all of this can be helpful.
- Rely on your support network when you need to: It is impossible to overstate the value of a strong support network during any emotionally stressful time in your life. Divorce certainly qualifies a stressful time, and that stress can often be amplified when your spouse struggles with narcissism. Don’t hesitate to reach out to the people who love you and ask for their support during this time. Most people want to help, and all that you need to do is ask. Whether your support network is family, a trusted group of friends, a religious group, or some other type of social club, be honest with those around you about the help and support you need, and be willing to accept it.
- Be kind to yourself: Over our years of experience in practicing family law, a common sentiment expressed by those who find themselves divorcing someone with narcissism is that they are to blame for their predicament because they made the decision to marry the person in the first place. We would encourage you to stop thinking of it in this way, and to be kind to yourself. Without question, no party is ever faultless in a marriage – or in life. We all make mistakes, and we all do things we wish we hadn’t or know we shouldn’t. But choosing to marry your spouse in the first place doesn’t fall into that category. In fact, one truth about narcissists is that they are often very fixated on winning, and when they were pursuing you, your spouse likely lavished you with charm, romance, and affection to win you over. Narcissists can often be very charming and confident, and that might be part of what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. Moreover, it is generally true that when people are dating, and in the initial stages of a relationship, they are on their best behavior. It is often only later than the more problematic aspects of personalities become clear. Stated simply, blaming yourself is unproductive and will only prevent you from moving forward toward the healthier, happier future that you deserve. Avoid this urge whenever possible.
The truth of the matter is that even if you follow all of these tips to the letter, divorcing a narcissist is unlikely to be a pleasant experience that goes smoothly. Then again, few divorces are. The good news, though, is that if you utilize some of these helpful tips, and you secure the services of an attorney who understands narcissistic personalities and the best strategies to pursue in divorce proceedings, it can be manageable, and you can come out on the other side happier, healthier, and ready to begin a new and brighter chapter of your life. At the Law Office of Dustin S. McCrary, we would love to help you do exactly that. Call us today.