When most of us make the decision to say, “I do,” we believe that our marriages will last – if not, we likely wouldn’t have walked down the aisle in the first place. Unfortunately, however, the reality is that many marriages do end in divorce. Circumstances change, people change, relationships change. Sometimes, it is one big thing – an affair, or an addiction, or a betrayal of some kind – that ends the marriage. On other occasions, one partner decides that he or she wants a divorce, and the other spouse truly doesn’t see it coming and feels blindsided. In still other cases, despite the love that they felt and may still feel for one another, couples decide that divorce is the best path forward because they have grown apart for any number of reasons.
Whatever the circumstances, even in those cases where the divorce was mutually agreed upon, the truth about divorce is that it comes with its fair share of grief. This is only natural and understandable – after all, divorce represents an ending not only of your legal status as a married couple, but of the future you envisioned for yourselves, of your life and routine as you know it, of a relationship that was an important part of your identity. Even if you ultimately believe that this choice is for the best, it isn’t easy.
Everyone experiences grief differently. As a result, everyone will process and handle their grief in a slightly different way. The important thing, though, is that you do make an effort to process it. Sometimes, we have a tendency to shove uncomfortable and difficult feelings onto the backburner rather than confront them head-on and work through them. This may work in the short-term, but in the long-term, it is detrimental. In truth, the only way to truly put your grief behind you is to work through it.
While that will naturally look different for every person, some tips to help you move beyond your divorce grief include:
- Be patient with yourself: Grief is not just a fleeting emotion, not just a one-time feeling. It’s a process. And like any process, you need time to feel it, think about it, and move through it. Some days, it might feel as if you are moving beyond it, and other days it might feel as if you’re still squarely stuck in the middle. Whatever you feel, be patient with yourself and realize that any significant and deep emotion will take time to fully make peace with. You’ll have some good days and some bad days. Be kind to yourself and patient with your progress. You’ll get there eventually.
- Be willing to accept support: Sometimes in life, it’s important to realize that we can’t do things alone, regardless of how much we might want to. Sometimes, we need to rely upon the support of those we love, and who love us too. Your loved ones want to help you – they want to be there as you move through this difficult phase of your life. Allow them to. Tell them how they can help. You’ll be glad you did.
- Find ways to express your grief: Each of us unique, and we all have different ways of expressing our emotions. The important thing though, is that we do express them, and that we don’t keep them inside. Some people enjoy music, or art, or writing. These are wonderful and healthy outlets to express emotions. Others aren’t artistically or musically inclined, but find that they benefit greatly from a walk outside in the woods, or a yoga class, or a long run. For still others, it’s grabbing a cup of coffee and talking about life with a good friend. Whatever your outlet is, be sure to use it. Grief, like all emotions, needs expression. You cannot begin to heal until you allow that emotion to come out, to be expressed and to be processed. Do that in whatever way works best for you.
- Make time for the things you love: Sometimes, in the midst of especially stressful times in our lives, it can be easy to neglect making time for fun – even though the stressful times in our lives are the times when we actually need fun the most. Though it may be tempting, don’t overlook and neglect the benefit of continuing to do the things that you love to do. If you have a social group you enjoy being a part of, a church community, a recreational sports league, an art class – whatever things bring you joy, continue to do those things. Sometimes, even when we aren’t feeling our happiest, it is surprising how quickly our mood and overall feeling of well-being will improve when we simply take the first few steps toward being involved in things we enjoy. Give it a try.
- Don’t hesitate to seek professional help: Sometimes, there are certain issues that we simply have trouble working through on our own, and that’s okay. Professional counselors and therapists are trained to help people work through all kinds of personal issues, including the grief that is often experienced after a divorce. Don’t hesitate to seek the help of a professional if you need. It can make a world of difference in moving beyond your grief and toward your next new chapter.
Grief is difficult to work through – regardless of what has caused your grief. This can particularly be so when your grief is caused by the end of a marriage that may have been a significant part of your life for many years. It will take time to move on, and time to heal – but you can heal. Be patient with yourself, and be kind to yourself. Realize that like all processes, the best way to work through your grief is to take it one step at a time. Some days will be easier than others, but over time, you will begin to see that moment by moment, day by day, things are getting better, and your outlook is looking brighter. Like all journeys, overcoming grief will have its share of bumps along the road, but it is a journey that is well worth it.