As anyone who is a parent knows well, there is no joy quite like the joy that your children can bring to your life. On the flip side of that coin, there’s often no stress and worry like the stress and worry parents feel over the well-being of their children. This is true at all times of life, but it is particularly true during difficult times like divorce. Even in cases where couples have thoroughly thought it through and decided that divorce is truly the best option for their family, there often lingers a great amount of worry and anxiety over how the divorce will affect their children.
This is understandable and normal. After all, transition can be difficult for anyone – and children are no exception. It would be unrealistic to expect something as big as a divorce to be entirely smooth sailing. The good news though, is that even though divorce will be difficult, and while there will certainly be moments of pain and sadness for your children, children are also surprisingly adaptable. This is not to mention the fact that in the long run, when a marriage truly isn’t working, it can often be the best thing for the children to be in two separate but happy homes rather than in one home that is unhappy and dysfunctional.
A question we are often asked by parents is what steps they might be able to take to work toward making the transition associated with divorce easier for their children. Fortunately, there are a number of steps you can take to help your children through this time:
- Validate their feelings: One of the best things that you can do for your children during this time is to let them know that whatever they are feeling is understandable, and moreover that it is okay. During your divorce your children may feel any number of emotions – and those emotions may change rapidly. At one moment they might feel anger, and then the next they might feel very sad. At times they may feel frustration, or confusion as to how to deal with the strong emotions that they feel. On still other occasions, your children may find themselves feeling happy and even excited at the prospect of having two homes because it means two sets of holidays, two birthday party celebrations, a new bedroom with new furniture, or anything else of that nature – and then in the very next moment, they might feel guilty for feeling excited. Understandably, these wildly shifting emotions can be unsettling for children. As a parent, the best thing that you can do is to be there to listen and to let your children know that you want to talk to them about what they are feeling. When they tell you your emotions, don’t try to dismiss them or diminish them. Let them know that their feelings are valid and important and normal, and that you are there to help them through those feelings. The importance of this cannot be overstated.
- Make time for fun: in the midst of a divorce, it can be easy to put other aspects of life on the back burner. Understandably, sometimes you feel like you’re just simply trying to make it through the day to accomplish all of the essentials before you collapse in bed, exhausted. This is normal, and you shouldn’t be hard on yourself for feeling this way. Nevertheless, if possible, it is important to make a conscious effort to carve out time for fun with your children. The benefit of laughing and engaging in an activity that you enjoy together and taking your mind off of the stressful aspects of life is invaluable. Your children need to know and see that despite the difficult changes in their lives, you’re still going to be there to have fun with them and place an emphasis on the things that make them happy. This is not to mention the fact that having fun is simply a great stress reliever for everyone. Be sure to make the time for it.
- Avoid the urge to criticize your ex-spouse: It goes without saying that divorce is a very difficult time emotionally. Chances are good that if you have decided to end your marriage there’s probably some amount of emotional discord between you and your ex-spouse. Depending upon the reason for the end of your marriage you may feel any number of things – anger, jealousy, resentment, frustration – the list goes on. It is understandable that at times you may feel that you want to take your feelings out on your ex-spouse. All of this is normal. It is important to keep in mind though, that to your child, your ex-spouse is a parent who they love and look up to very much. Children are not emotionally mature enough to handle adult issues – nor should they be expected to. No matter how upset you may feel at your ex-spouse, it is important to address those feelings privately and not in front of your children. Avoid the urge to argue with or belittle your ex-spouse in front of your child, no matter how tempting it might be. In the long run, criticizing and insulting your ex-spouse will do nothing to change the reality of your relationship, and will only be damaging to your children. Avoid it.
- Try to stick to a routine: Most children thrive on routine, and on some amount of structure and predictability. This can particularly be so during times of chaos and upheaval like divorce. While sometimes it is not possible for your children to remain in their school or in their current extracurricular activities, if it is at all possible try to make it happen. While their family life may be in transition, it can be helpful to children to have other elements of their lives that remain the same – a routine that they know, friends they are used to and enjoy spending time with, teachers and coaches and a schedule that is familiar. Even if you’re not able to have your child remain in the same school or day care, you can still try, if possible, to have them continue to maintain ties with friend groups that make them happy. This can also go a long way toward helping your child through this time emotionally.
- Enlist the help of others: If you have a strong support network in your life – family, friends, a religious or social group that you are a part of, don’t be afraid to ask those people for help. This is particularly so if your child is familiar with and loves those people. The people who care about you want to invest in your life, and they want to be there for you – sometimes all you need to do is ask. For your children, realizing that they are still loved and supported by many people can make a world of difference, and can help give you some much needed time to yourself during the divorce to process what you might be feeling and dealing with as well. Additionally, don’t be afraid to reach out to teachers, coaches and other trusted individuals in your child’s life. Let them know about your situation at home so that they can keep an eye on your child and keep you aware of any behavioral difficulties or emotional issues that they observe. More often than not, we are stronger together than we are alone. This is even more true when you are going through a divorce.
- Seek professional help if necessary: Sometimes, no matter how much a parent loves a child, there are simply issues for which professional help is needed. Even though you love your children and want to help them, you simply might not have the tools to work through the issue with our child in the way that a professionally-trained therapist or counselor would be able to. There is nothing wrong with this – after all, that is what child therapists and counselors are specifically trained to do. Sometimes, it can make a world of difference to your child to have that special person there just for him or her to listen and to help work through these difficult issues. Don’t hesitate to reach out and seek the help that you need. Chances are it will be tremendously beneficial for both you and your child.
Ultimately, it is important to realize and accept that divorce simply will not be an easy experience for you or for your children. Certainly, there will be times of sadness, times of anger, and times of difficulty. It is equally important to remember, however, that it is entirely possible to come through a divorce and emerge on the other side happier and healthier – and this is true for both you and for your children. Take each day as it comes, and be there for your child in the best way that you can. Make the effort to let them know that you will walk through this situation with them, and that together, you will get through it. Reach out for help when you need it. Remember that divorce is an ending, yes, but it is also a beginning. Have confidence that you can move forward toward your next chapter with hope and anticipation for what lies ahead – and know that your children can too.