There is no bond quite like the bond that children have with their parents – there are really no words that can adequately describe it. It only makes sense then, that one of the issues that parents worry about more than any other as they are contemplating or going through a divorce is how it might affect their children. More than issues regarding property division or spousal support or any other matter, parents who are going through a divorce tend to focus on trying to make sure that the transitions that come with divorce go as smoothly as possible for their children.
The bad news, of course, is that no divorce is without its share of pain and heartache – and that is true for parents and children alike. The good news, though, is that children are resilient and adaptable, and that if parents are committed to making the effort to help their children through this time, they can absolutely come out healthier and happier on the other end.
Sometimes, however, divorce throws more than a few wrinkles into this process. One of those wrinkles is the issue of relocation, and following a divorce, one parent may have to move away. There might be any number of reasons for this – it may be for a job, or to be closer to one of their own aging parents. It could be because they get remarried, and their spouse lives in another state. Whatever the reason for the relocation, one of the foremost issues parents are often understandably concerned about, is how they will continue to maintain their bond with their child over the distance.
The truth of the matter is that any time a long-distance relationship exists, it can be difficult. Certainly, it requires extra effort on the part of everyone involved to maintain a close and special bond over the miles. On the bright side though, it can be achieved. Distance does not have to mean detachment. It is possible to maintain and continue to grow a healthy relationship with your child even from far away. Ultimately, every parent child relationship is different, and you know your own child best. There are, however, some general tips for building and maintaining long-distance relationships that can be particularly helpful for parents and children trying to make those relationships work for the best following a divorce:
- Make a joint effort: Typically, children tend to thrive when they have happy, healthy, and involved relationships with both parents. Although maintaining those bonds may be more difficult in long-distance relationships, it is still very important that both parents make the effort to help children do so. This often means putting personal differences aside and committing to truly work together toward what is in the best interest of your children, despite those differences. For the custodial parent who sees the child on a day-to-day basis, this might mean keeping the long-distance parent informed about the everyday happenings around the home. This helps the long-distance parent feel as if he or she is part of things too, even if from far away. Even if the long-distance parent may not be able to attend certain events or appointments, it still helps the parent to feel connected and involved, even if from a distance.
- Encourage your child’s involvement: Children will naturally want to feel connected to both parents but they may need help thinking of ways to do that, particularly in long-distance situations. Encouraging your children to make notes about things that they want to share with the other parent – whether on the family bulletin board, on a family calendar, or in a journal. This can help reinforce your child’s connection to the parent, and can remind them that even if one parent may not be there to share the daily events as they’re occurring, the child can still share the details about those events with their parent and look forward to doing so.
- Consistency is key: In many aspects of children’s lives, consistency, structure, and predictability are very important. The same is true when it comes to establishing a strong long-distance parent-child relationship. Regularly scheduling phone calls or video chats, for example, can be very helpful in terms of giving children something to look forward to, and to rely upon. Often, the strain of being apart from a long-distance parent is lessened somewhat when a child knows that he or she can expect to talk to and interact with the parent regularly. The parents should of course make every effort to keep these scheduled chats and calls whenever possible, and keep any last-minute changes or cancellations to an absolute minimum.
- Plan with precision: One definite necessity for successful long-distance parenting is the ability to plan things in advance, and to stick to those plans. Children who will be traveling long distances between their parents’ homes need for their parents to make clear plans in advance that will cover things like scheduling, expenses, routines, expectations, and more. Together, as co-parents, carefully think over issues such as:
During which times of the year (and for how long) will the child(ren) live with the long-distance parent?
What method of travel will the children use to go between households – and who will accompany them when they travel?
What sort of routines can both parents establish in their homes that will provide a sense of familiarity and consistency for the child(ren)?
When the children are at the home of the other parent, how will communication be handled – will there be regularly scheduled phone calls or video chats?
These are just a few of many questions for parents to consider as they come up with a plan, together, for how the children can spend quality time in the home of each parent even despite the distance. Once these plans are created, it is important to have the ability to be flexible when needed, but also to try, if possible, to make the plans predictable, familiar, and consistent, as children tend to thrive on knowing what to expect when possible.
The honest truth is that divorce isn’t easy for anyone – and distance can often make it even more difficult. That doesn’t mean that this isn’t a challenge that you and your child can’t overcome, however. Certainly, your love and the bond between you is strong enough to overcome the miles that separate you. Make every effort every chance you get to let your child know how important he or she is to you, and how much of a priority it is for you to remain actively involved in his or her life. Keep your commitments. Make the effort. Go the distance. You’ll be so glad you did.