Being married to a narcissist can be challenging in so many ways. Usually, the longer the relationship, the more this is true. Living with and being married to a narcissist can be very confusing and painful. Because of the emotional manipulation involved, it can be very difficult even to reach a place mentally where you feel that you are ready to move forward with a divorce.

If you feel this way, you should know it is normal. Years of dealing with a narcissistic personality can create confusion and a power imbalance in the relationship that often makes the non-narcissist spouse feel powerless and unsure as to how to regain their autonomy and move forward.

If you have reached a place where you are ready to move forward with divorce, but still feel uncertain of what steps to take to do so effectively, you should know that you’re not alone. Divorcing a narcissistic spouse presents its own unique set of challenges. Let’s look at some of those challenges and how to prepare for them as you move through the divorce process.

What is Narcissism

Before thinking through the best strategies to use when going through a divorce with a narcissist, it can be helpful to make sure you have a thorough understanding of the narcissistic personality traits and how they might affect your divorce.

One of the primary characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder is that narcissists have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. This often results in attention-seeking behavior because narcissists want and need to be admired. Other symptoms include:

• Feelings of entitlement
• A need for ongoing, excessive admiration
• Feeling superior to others
• Tendency to monopolize conversations
• Preoccupation with success, power, or beauty
• Belittling or looking down on those they consider inferior
• Difficulty handling criticism
• Taking advantage of others to get what they want
• Being easily insulted and quick to anger
• Moodiness
• Difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
• A variety of other symptoms.

Because narcissists have these characteristics, being married to a narcissist can be very challenging – and the divorce process is often just as difficult. Divorcing someone who lacks empathy, always feels right, and believes they deserve to win because they’re more important than others doesn’t often make for smooth sailing when cooperating and compromising on issues. Because narcissists struggle with any form of criticism, divorce can often bring out the worst in a personality of this type. If a narcissist feels that they are somehow accused of being “at fault” for the end of a marriage, they can react in anger and with efforts to retaliate against the other spouse.

Tips for Divorcing a Narcissistic Spouse

Even though the traits above can certainly make divorcing a narcissistic spouse difficult, there are steps you can take to make the process easier. You may feel overwhelmed at the beginning of this journey, but you do have options to reduce stress and make the process easier and less contentious.

Have Realistic Expectations

If you find yourself at the beginning of the divorce process and your spouse is a narcissist, it’s important to be realistic about the fact that it will likely be very difficult. In many divorces today, couples can resolve their divorce issues almost entirely outside of a courtroom using cooperative methods like mediation or collaborative law. These methods usually save time and money and reduce stress. Unfortunately, when one spouse is a narcissist, these methods of resolving issues outside of court may not be a valid option. Being mentally and emotionally prepared for the difficulties of the process will help to avoid feeling overwhelmed and frustrated when it does not go as smoothly as you might have hoped.

Narcissists are often unlikely to compromise because they struggle with being reasonable and seeing things from another person’s point of view. As a result, narcissists are often not as successful in mediation or collaborative law settings as a person in a healthy mental state would be. For this reason, presenting your issues in court and letting a judge decide may be the best option for your situation.

Litigating in a traditional courtroom setting can indeed be more expensive and time-consuming than settling matters out of court. Still, when a narcissistic personality is involved, the courtroom setting often provides much-needed distance and space between the parties. Having a judge review your issues and make an objective, unbiased decision may be exactly what is needed and well worth the additional time and expense.

Set Boundaries

Even in healthy relationships, boundaries are essential. This is even more true in the case of unhealthy relationships, where one party struggles with narcissism. During the divorce process, having boundaries when you must interact with your narcissistic spouse is essential. You must make clear what types of communication are acceptable and what are not. You must demand respect for yourself and for the divorce process in general. You should do what you can to remain strong and confident on the issues that are important to you, even though it may not be easy.

Sometimes, setting healthy boundaries when divorcing a narcissistic spouse means that you don’t communicate directly with the narcissist. Although this seems extreme, in some cases, it truly may be best to communicate through your attorneys, at least in the initial phases of the process. Obviously, if you have children, you will need to find ways to communicate with your ex-spouse going forward. However, during the most contentious parts of the process, having an intermediary can certainly help.

Documentation of Narcissism Impact and Examples

One of the characteristics of most narcissistic personalities is a willingness to lie when necessary. Narcissists often justify deceitful behavior and have no problems engaging in that behavior when it serves their own ends. Narcissists are known to gaslight their partners and revise actual events to fit their fictionalized version, so they are always the victim of any conflict.

Because narcissists often engage in deceitful and conflicting behaviors, it is important for the other partner to document the divorce process. This may include:

• Saving text messages and voicemails
• Taking screenshots of social media posts
• Keeping track of visitation and child custody exchanges
• Journaling about in-person encounters
• Obtaining recordings or videos if necessary
• Getting written statements from witnesses
• Any other documentary measures that your attorney may advise.

Obtaining this documentation will be important, as your attorney may be able to use this evidence in court to disprove any false testimony by the narcissistic spouse.

Have A Strong Support System

If you have been involved with a narcissist for any length of time, you may have been isolated from your family and friends. Separating a spouse from others is typical narcissistic behavior – and it can make the isolated spouse feel very alone and disconnected from any support system. If you find yourself in this situation, you should know that although you may feel alone, that’s only a feeling.

Even if you feel alone, you should know that there are people out there who want to love and support you throughout the divorce process. You should reach out to those people and let them help you. Going through a divorce is difficult even in the best of circumstances. When you are going through a difficult divorce with a narcissist, you will need support, and it can make all the difference. Leaning on others and allowing them to help you will give you the strength and confidence to move forward on this journey and onto a better and brighter chapter ahead.

Call The Law Office of Dustin McCrary For Support

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse will likely not be the easiest situation you’ve ever lived through. That’s just the unfortunate reality. While that is the case, the good news is that it is not a situation you have to go through alone. At the law office of Dustin McCrary, we will meet you wherever you are in this process and walk with you each step of the way. We have years and years of experience helping clients through this process and onto a brighter chapter ahead, and we would love to do the same for you. Today may be difficult, but tomorrow will be better. If you’re ready to take the first step, call us today. We look forward to helping you soon.